Aries - The Ram - March 21 - April 19: There are 3 ways of doing things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Aries way. The Aries way often pisses off a lot of people. While they're convinced that their way of stumbling through life is highly original; everyone else in the world falls into one of 4 groups:
1. Waiting to sell them a clue
2. Watching them and laughing
3. Plotting their assassination
4. Thinking that they are a marvel (generally, though, these are Leos and Sagittarians, and you KNOW what idiots THEY can be).
Macgyver was probably an Aries. So was Lucy Ricardo.
Taurus - The Bull - April 20 - May 20:

Do you remember when you were growing up, how there was always one kid in the group that everybody used to beat up and make fun of, but they still kept coming around and would still do really nice things for everybody every time they got the chance? Then, one day, that kid ended up in the bell tower with an arsenal of attack weapons, and after the melee, several industrial drums of cyanide are found laying empty next to the city's water supply? That kid was most likely a Taurus. The whole point is, Tauruses are really nice and loyal and patient people when you first get to know them, but then one bright sunny day, they go nuts. Tony Blair, Barbra Streisand, Evita Peron are all Taurus. Any questions?

Gemini - The Twins - May 21 - June 21:

 Gemini people are the intellectual types that spend their idle hours sitting around and pondering the implications of every little thing they observe, no matter how mundane and picayune it really is. Then they bore you endlessly with their witty observations on whatever it was they were pondering. Most of the time they see themselves as PBS talk show hosts, while the rest of the world smiles and nods and silently prays for a meteor to strike, or, better yet, a random lightning bolt from God to vaporize them. Tom Jones, Marilyn Monroe, Angelina Jolie and Bob Dylan are all Gemini. What do they have in common? Interesting to look at, but lethally intolerable at a cocktail party.

Cancer - The Crab - June 22 - July 22:

 The two most notable things about Cancers are that they have wildly vivid imaginations and they are uncommonly patriotic. When you put these two factors together, you can see why there are actually people in this world who honestly believe that George W. Bush is a good president. On the other side of the coin, most Cancers are drama queens, thrive on self-pity, and tend to become the kind of stalkers who do things like boil bunny rabbits and tattoo lover's names across their foreheads. Some famous people who count themselves among the honorable ranks of Cancerdom include the Dalai Lama, Sylvester Stallone, and H. Ross Perot. If you see one of them coming at you, run!

Leo - The Lion - July 23 - August 22:

 You can always tell a Leo, but you can't tell them much. Among their personality traits, Leos possess such qualities as generosity, positive self-image, and dynamic personalities. This means that they will most likely buy the next several rounds of beer just so they can continue instructing you on your obvious shortcomings as human beings as opposed to their undeniable superiority. A common quote from a Leo would be something like, "Well, here I am talking about me again. How about YOU talk about me for a while." Most Leos end up being slain and cannibalized. Some famous Leos include Fidel Castro, Bill Clinton, Madonna, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Virgo - The Virgin - August 23 - September 22:

 Aside from being extremely cynical, shy, self-critical, anal-retentive, obsessive perfectionists and hypochondriacs, most Virgos are also creative and analytical. Virgos typically get out of the shower to take a leak. Most Virgos have a tendency to find themselves losing sight of the forest because of all the trees getting in the way. Usually, when you go to Star Trek conventions, Virgos are the ones that have the most meticulously assembled Klingon costumes. Once you get past the shyness that is often mistaken for arrogance and aloofness, Virgos make voracious sex partners and, consequently, find themselves being tormented by legions of stalkers.

Libra - Balance - September 23 - October 23:
Just looking at the symbol for the Libra, you can figure out all you need to know about them: the scales. Libra is always looking for balance. They are obsessive about leveling the playing field and making sure that everybody has an equal shot at winning the prize. Libras are usually behind the abolishment of competition, or at least rewarding everyone regardless of how lame, slow-witted, and clumsy they truly are. Without Libras, total losers would never aspire to mediocrity, so karaoke bars everywhere owe a debt of eternal gratitude to this sign of the zodiac. Mohandas Gandhi, Jesse Jackson, and Pope Paul VI are all Libras, so, there you go.

Scorpio - The Scorpion - October 24 - November 21:

 You will never find anyone more loyal than a Scorpio. They will typically treat you heroically, and they expect the same treatment from you in return. However, if you ever betray a Scorpio, you might as well sit down on a rock and light a cigarette because it's just a matter of time before the Scorpio shows up and gets positively medieval on your ass. For this reason, Scorpios make especially good livings at being cops, Southern Baptist preachers, vigilantes, and proprietors of torture chambers. They also have a tendency toward jealousy, so if you ever date a Scorpio, leave your genitals at home. Bram Stoker, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Bill Gates, Ted Turner, and Whoopi Goldberg are all Scorpios.

Sagittarius - The Archer - November 22 - December 21:

 Voted most likely to laugh at a crippled person slipping and falling on an icy sidewalk, the Sagittarius will feel very guilty later on and devote an inordinate amount of time establishing a tax exempt charity dedicated to the international awareness and abolishment of icy sidewalks. Never never never ask a Sagittarius if these pants make your butt look too big. Of course, hours later they will be offering to foot the bill for your liposuction. Most Sagittarians favor that ridiculous turquoise and sterling silver jewelry that you typically see at square dances and hoe-downs. Frank Sinatra, Jane Fonda, and Richard Pryor are all Sagittarius.

Capricorn - The Goat - December 22 - January 19:

 Capricorns are obsessive problem solvers. Did you ever have one of those days where you just want to sit back and bitch about life in general? Don't share it with a Capricorn. The Capricorn will start giving you this outlandish advice, and then nag you persistently to follow it to the letter, and they'll call you twice a day to see if you did it yet, and then tell you to your face that you're stupid for not listening to them. As far as Capricorns are concerned, the world would be a far better place if there were nothing but Capricorns running around. Of course, nobody would ever get laid. They'd be too busy dispensing and taking advice. Nixon was a Capricorn. So was Elvis.

Aquarius - The Water Bearer - January 20 - February 18:

 All Aquarians are great humanitarians. By nature, though, their generosity to the human race is self-serving, in that they mostly just adore the accolades they receive for their efforts. In one minute they can be warm, friendly and outgoing, and in the next, they can be arrogant, mean-spirited and aloof. They're the kind of people who will greet you like you're a long-lost cousin, but if you take up too much of their time, you'll notice that they're looking at their wristwatches and making eyes at other people over your shoulder. Before long, someone from their posse is pushing you aside, and Aquarius will avoid eye contact with you for the rest of the night. Oprah is an Aquarian.

Pisces - The Fishes - February 19 - March 20:
On the surface, Pisces can be a completely pleasant individual. Sympathetic, compassionate, humble, and charitable. The second you scratch the surface, though, you start to see all the rust that's hidden underneath the spray painted exterior. In reality, they're needy, whiny, clingy, absent-minded and totally unreliable. How any of them manage to avoid the murderous rampage of the rest of the zodiac signs is anybody's guess. Fubar is pretty sure that, in fact, most murder victims are Piscean. Overall, they give drunks a bad name since they tend to scamper off toward the bottle every time something goes wrong. Liz Taylor and Richard Burton were both Piscean. Now do you get the picture?